This is about to get personal--more than usual

I rarely blog about my mother, for reasons unknown. However, lately I just need to get it all out. 

A week ago I came home rather early, around 1:30a, and I was greeted by my infuriated mother.

...I can't even blog about this. 

How quickly the heart heals,

Met a really hot guy today.



...Nick who?

Control,

On May 19, 2012 my close friend attempted to rape me.

It's hard to describe how you feel when someone tries to take something from you--that is a part of you. It's even harder to describe how you feel when you realize you're powerless to stop him. I felt like I could no longer protect myself, and thus the body I had was no longer mine.

But eventually, after trying to repair the friendship, I realized that if I continued to pretend that nothing had happen I would not only be sending him the message that "it's ok" I would also be damaging my self worth. So I ended it. All communication has ceased as I tried to regain my sense of self.

Then Nick came along. And I rushed into having sex with him because I wanted to be the one in control of my body. I wanted to initiate and control every part of our sexual relationship. And for a while I felt better.

And when he ended things with me, I still was able to maintain composer.

Until Monday. That text. The sad attempt to "pass a hoe"....completely crushed me.

And now I feel the same way I did on May 19, 2012.

It's hard to regain control after it has been taken.

Embrace the blinders,

I am completely done.

I sent Nick an extremely long text. I indirectly acknowledged the Fred text. Told him I regretted everything. And told him I was shocked at how immature he has been.

I do actually regret everything.

I am going to embrace the blinders. Boy what? Cute what? Wink what? I'm too focused on my future to notice the pig in his charming disguise.

Heartache sucks, and I don't want to feel anything anymore.

Shut up Stupid,

I disappointed myself.

I cracked. I texted Nick:

I don't understand what "it" is, or where this is coming from. But I left my lighter in your car</3

Ok, let's ignore my slight stank of desperation for a second, and let's focus our attention on the idiotic actions of Nicholas William Mackie. Because the next day, when I thought it was impossible for me to hate harder, Nick made it incredibly easy.

Unknown Number 12:00p
Hey whats good...my dude Nick from work gave me ur number n felt that u n I should kick it sometime...my name is fred btw

Me 12:05p
Nick Mackie?

"Fred" 12:07p
Yup

Are you serious? Am I a prostitute because clearly I failed to get the memo. Can you imagine the conversation between the two of them while they were on their lunch break? 


"Man, I need some pussy" -Fred
"Oh, I just dumped this whore! Here's her number--she's so easy." -Nick


What the hell is Nick thinking? "Let's run a train on this stank"? What did I do to make him view me so poorly? I've never hated this hard. 


And the saddest piece to this puzzling series of events? I had hope. I convinced myself that my feelings were completely mutual. That in a day or two Nick would call me, or text me just to say he missed me. And not that things would return to the way they used to be--just that we would remain in each others lives. 
...Wait? Is this what he's trying to do? If I give Fred a chance obviously Nick would be at an event every once in a while Sorry that was my stupid talking.

The break up text,

Nick M. Sun 10:59pm
Hey   so its over...sorry it didnt work out but im done kicking it with u

In the past three months I've been sexually assaulted by a boy I considered my bestfriend, came in second place to an ex-girlfriend, abandoned by my long term "friend" (a relationship in which there was so much sexual tension all we did was talk about fucking each other), and now. Now. NOW I get dumped.

When is it going to end?

Amani believes I need to express my emotions. But honestly...what is there to express? I'm emotionally exhausted. I made room for Nick in my life, re-scheduling my trip to New York in order to attend an event he wanted to go to, but it means nothing now. Everything is over. And now I'm staring at my crackberry wondering how the hell do I respond to this? Hurt him? No. That's not what I want to do.

I don't know what I want to do.

Papa Weatherly's advice?

If he thinks she doesn't give a shit it will bother him more than anything because he obviously gave a shit about her.

So should I go back to my old ways? Be the cool girl with no emotions? Sounds good to me. What should I text my "ex-not boyfriend"? I was thinking something along the lines of:

I'm 17 :) Statutory rape, have fun in jail! Hope you have lots of butt sex! xoxo

While that brings a smile across my face I need to actually learn from the advice of Papa W. I'm not looking to get back together with Nick. I'm leaving anyway so making this relationship work is pointless.

How about...

Thanks for the memories baby!

Snobbish? Perhaps, plus I left my lighter in his car so maybe....

Ok, honey! I left my magic lighter in you car so if you can give it to Aubrey that'd be great<3

Good? Good.
The perfect response to the break up text.

My sincere apologies,

I haven't been blogging lately,

Sorry.

Joined my high school's newspaper--very writing intensive.

But, contrary to what you believe my life still continued as normal. Well, not normal. I believe I just entered into my first relationship. It's not official, because I told him I did not want to get too emotionally attached to anyone before I leave for New York...but...it happened anyway.

I like him anyway.

I wish I could artfully describe the accumulation of these feelings--but I can't.

I didn't even like him at first. He chased me, stalked me, won my wittle heart with every smile. Aww, I can safely say, I like him. But I know this is going to ruin me August 31st. When I have to leave my past behind to embrace my future.

Oh well, enjoying every moment I have left.

xoxo