On May 19, 2012 my close friend attempted to rape me.
It's hard to describe how you feel when someone tries to take something from you--that is a part of you. It's even harder to describe how you feel when you realize you're powerless to stop him. I felt like I could no longer protect myself, and thus the body I had was no longer mine.
But eventually, after trying to repair the friendship, I realized that if I continued to pretend that nothing had happen I would not only be sending him the message that "it's ok" I would also be damaging my self worth. So I ended it. All communication has ceased as I tried to regain my sense of self.
Then Nick came along. And I rushed into having sex with him because I wanted to be the one in control of my body. I wanted to initiate and control every part of our sexual relationship. And for a while I felt better.
And when he ended things with me, I still was able to maintain composer.
Until Monday. That text. The sad attempt to "pass a hoe"....completely crushed me.
And now I feel the same way I did on May 19, 2012.
It's hard to regain control after it has been taken.