On May 19, 2012 my close friend attempted to rape me.
It's hard to describe how you feel when someone tries to take something from you--that is a part of you. It's even harder to describe how you feel when you realize you're powerless to stop him. I felt like I could no longer protect myself, and thus the body I had was no longer mine.
But eventually, after trying to repair the friendship, I realized that if I continued to pretend that nothing had happen I would not only be sending him the message that "it's ok" I would also be damaging my self worth. So I ended it. All communication has ceased as I tried to regain my sense of self.
Then Nick came along. And I rushed into having sex with him because I wanted to be the one in control of my body. I wanted to initiate and control every part of our sexual relationship. And for a while I felt better.
And when he ended things with me, I still was able to maintain composer.
Until Monday. That text. The sad attempt to "pass a hoe"....completely crushed me.
And now I feel the same way I did on May 19, 2012.
It's hard to regain control after it has been taken.
I don't understand what "it" is, or where this is coming from. But I left my lighter in your car</3
Ok, let's ignore my slight stank of desperation for a second, and let's focus our attention on the idiotic actions of Nicholas William Mackie. Because the next day, when I thought it was impossible for me to hate harder, Nick made it incredibly easy.
Unknown Number 12:00p
Hey whats good...my dude Nick from work gave me ur number n felt that u n I should kick it sometime...my name is fred btw
Are you serious? Am I a prostitute because clearly I failed to get the memo. Can you imagine the conversation between the two of them while they were on their lunch break?
"Man, I need some pussy" -Fred "Oh, I just dumped this whore! Here's her number--she's so easy." -Nick
What the hell is Nick thinking? "Let's run a train on this stank"? What did I do to make him view me so poorly? I've never hated this hard.
And the saddest piece to this puzzling series of events? I had hope. I convinced myself that my feelings were completely mutual. That in a day or two Nick would call me, or text me just to say he missed me. And not that things would return to the way they used to be--just that we would remain in each others lives. ...Wait? Is this what he's trying to do? If I give Fred a chance obviously Nick would be at an event every once in a while Sorry that was my stupid talking.
Nick M. Sun 10:59pm
Hey so its over...sorry it didnt work out but im done kicking it with u
In the past three months I've been sexually assaulted by a boy I considered my bestfriend, came in second place to an ex-girlfriend, abandoned by my long term "friend" (a relationship in which there was so much sexual tension all we did was talk about fucking each other), and now. Now. NOW I get dumped.
When is it going to end?
Amani believes I need to express my emotions. But honestly...what is there to express? I'm emotionally exhausted. I made room for Nick in my life, re-scheduling my trip to New York in order to attend an event he wanted to go to, but it means nothing now. Everything is over. And now I'm staring at my crackberry wondering how the hell do I respond to this? Hurt him? No. That's not what I want to do.
I don't know what I want to do.
Papa Weatherly's advice?
If he thinks she doesn't give a shit it will bother him more than anything because he obviously gave a shit about her.
So should I go back to my old ways? Be the cool girl with no emotions? Sounds good to me. What should I text my "ex-not boyfriend"? I was thinking something along the lines of:
I'm 17 :) Statutory rape, have fun in jail! Hope you have lots of butt sex! xoxo
While that brings a smile across my face I need to actually learn from the advice of Papa W. I'm not looking to get back together with Nick. I'm leaving anyway so making this relationship work is pointless.
Thanks for the memories baby!
Snobbish? Perhaps, plus I left my lighter in his car so maybe....
Ok, honey! I left my magic lighter in you car so if you can give it to Aubrey that'd be great<3
The perfect response to the break up text.
Joined my high school's newspaper--very writing intensive.
But, contrary to what you believe my life still continued as normal. Well, not normal. I believe I just entered into my first relationship. It's not official, because I told him I did not want to get too emotionally attached to anyone before I leave for New York...but...it happened anyway.
I like him anyway.
I wish I could artfully describe the accumulation of these feelings--but I can't.
I didn't even like him at first. He chased me, stalked me, won my wittle heart with every smile. Aww, I can safely say, I like him. But I know this is going to ruin me August 31st. When I have to leave my past behind to embrace my future.
So, we are all aware that I am well over Isaac (hipster friend). But the 13th we had an unavoidable encounter which left me hopeful, yet confused. Being my irresponsible self, I had no gas whatsoever in my car and I knew I wouldn't make it if I waited in the horrific after school traffic. I forced Corey to wait with me after school, we engaged in a conversation about Sarah, a girl that he thinks is insanely attractive. Being the amazing friend that I am, I sit there and listen, even though we all know the last thing a girl wants to hear is how attractive another girl is, but I swallowed my pride and listened.
Isaac joins us in the midst of this conversation, he adds that he finds interracial relationships beautiful. This didn't sit well with me, I wasn't sure if he was trying to indirectly comment on our situation or if he was merely stating his opinion. But either way, I ran with it. I let it get to my head. I laughed because I knew I was no longer interested in pursuing anything with him, but at the same time if he tried I wouldn't know the word "no". However, the feelings I had went down hill when Sarah entered the conversation. Within an instant the blinding spotlight had shifted from me, to her and felt myself being consumed by the darkness. It was as if I was no longer there while I silently observed the boys' infatuation with Sarah.
Later that night, Corey told Sarah he couldn't get involved with her because she's too young...and it's illegal. Sarah proceeded to ball her eyes out, and as I comforted her she whispered in my ear, "I'm faking, don't tell!" I didn't know how to react to this, but in the end I dismissed it. I was trying my darnest to stay away from drama, but the next day at school Sarah runs to me and exclaims, "Nneka! I just got a personal Valentine's Day flower!" Isaac had bought her a flower, and personally wished her a Happy Valentine's day.
This is the same Isaac that told Corey not to go for her because she was too young.
...is this real life?
Oh, I forgot to mention that Kyle came to my school on Valentine's Day. I lost it. I was two seconds away from throwing my flowers in his face. Does he not understand that I never want to see him again? Does Isaac not understand that I never want to see him again?
...it's 1:55a on Saturday morning. I'm sleeping. My phone vibrates, and I mindlessly press buttons until the annoyance stops interrupting my slumber...
Saturday night at work, terrible. The only thing that kept me smiling was the anticipation of Kelsey Hill's party. As the restaurant begins to clear out my boss sings sweet music to my ears, "You can go home now," I changed so fast. I was so excited to party, only to be let down. Kelsey cancelled her party. My back-up party, also cancelled. And Mike's house simply wasn't an option--not trying to run into Kyle! I ended up at McDonald's eating cookies with Alexis Weatherly, and Corey Watkins.
As my bag of cookies come to an end I hand Corey a $5 bill and ask him to buy me some more, he agrees and asks, "Can I get an ice-cream?" to which I reply, "yeah, bro." Corey comes with a tray filled with food and my $5 in his hand. And I go, "bro, can I have my $5 back?" and he goes into a rampage telling me that it was actually his money, and that he had given it to me before we walked into McDonald's. I was in shock. He looked to Alexis to support his outrageous claim, she looked at him, snatched the money out of his hand and exclaims, "That's her money you asshole" I couldn't believe that Corey would do that to me. The next day I'm determined to confront him about it.
As I begin to compose the text message, I see two very strange text:
Corey Watkins 1:55 a
I LOVE U SO MU6CH!D
Corey Watkins 2:15 a
You make the skies blue and the world shine bright colors of love
All I have to say is: drunken words are sober thoughts
Now that I have come to my senses and I am moving forward in life, (no longer chasing love, but waiting patiently for it to come) there are issues I need to address.
So my little hipster friend was not only talking to me, but to one of my dear friends, Alex, also. I need to tell her about the night we kissed just to relieve my conscious. I do not want to come across as trying to steer her away, so I will tell her it was nothing and that the two of us rarely speak now. Oh gosh, Alex was ranting and raving about how excited she was to hangout with an anonymous male and I pray to God it is not my hipster friend--not because I have feelings for him, but rather because I do not want to ruin what ever they have. I am being completely unselfish here.
My unselfish ways get me nowhere.
Why do I continue to do this to myself? I feel as if I continually give, but never receive. Kaiti thinks I should pursue my hipster friend. But in the end I can only extend myself so far. I can only give so many opportunities. If he does not take them then I must assume he is not interested. I cannot force someone to like me. So here I am, letting go of my hipster friend. Letting go of social networks. I am restricting the opportunities. From now of if anyone wants to contact me they have pick up their phone and make a conscious effort. I refuse to be that girl you facebook chat out of boredom. To my hipster friend, you took my presence for granted.
I have spent the past several weeks obsessing over a guy. My teenage immaturity has taken over and chipped away at my sense of reason. At my dignity. My actions over the past several weeks have done nothing but scream desperation. I have been making a complete fool out of myself. And so naturally, I hate him. But I'm realizing it's not him that I hate, it's the entity he represents. It's my weakness. I hate the fact that in a split second my entire being revolves around a guy who paid an ounce of attention. Whether it be a kiss, hug, or wink I take it and run with it. I am not a realist. My imgination goes wild, and I envision myself in a committed relationship with a complete stranger. And for so reason or another, despite my head, my heart chases it.
And that leads me here. The brief moment in time where my underdeveloped prefrontal cortex activates and gets grip on my current situation. When you look yourself in the mirror and go, "What am I doing?" and you become utterly repulsed by your own behavior.
I was willing to, "Beat that bitch's ass" over a guy. A "bitch" whom I've been friends with for four consecutive years. Who have I become? Since when do I even engage in the usage of such ratchet terminology?
First of all, I have no new updates on my "hipster friend". Accept for the fact that he probably thinks I'm disgusted by his presence because of the following:
Everyday I stay after school for about 10-15 minutes waiting for the after school traffic to clear. On this particular Friday he happened to be there as well. We were chilling with different crowds, and I did not want to be rude and interrupt Kari's heartbreaking story about how our Assistant Principal is kicking her out of school, just to talk to some boy that I barely know. So after Kari is done we begin to walk to the parking lot, I tap my "hipster friend" on the shoulder simply to acknowledge his existence as I begin to leave the school, I walk down the stairs towards the parking lot when I realize I had forgotten my keys. So I rushed back to the benches, past my "hipster friend", and thankfully no one had stolen my Juicy Couture wallet-key chain. But as I walk back to my car he stops me, and we engage in a conversation....in which I awkwardly stand 50+ feet away...
Why did I do this you may ask? I was in a rush! I was wearing heels! I didn't want to trip and fall in front of him, nor did I want to engage in a lengthy conversation when I had to be at work in the next 45 minutes.
So as I embraced my weekend, I could not help but to regret my terrible body language. And I did everything in my power to attempt to give my "hipster friend" my number. But it's not working. I messaged him on facebook...but he's never on facebook. I even consulted with Corey.
Corey. Corey. Corey. As I open up to him I realize more and more that he has feelings for me. Everyone else thinks I'm crazy but I'm positive. This boy has a crush on me. And it became apparent when I began talking to him about our mutual "hipster friend". Before I could even utter a word Corey goes, "I could have told you it wouldn't work out. He doesn't like black girls"
...I laughed. I cried. I died a little on the inside. Little does Corey know that me and our "hipster friend" have already engaged in sexual activity. As I previously stated, I thought he was gay until he shoved his tongue down my throat. He made the first move.
YET, he doesn't like black girls?
(Why is that even a logical argument in the society we live in today?)
SECOND OF ALL,
and by far most important.
I recently purchased the Madden Girl by Steve Madden Trebel pump in rose gold. Therefore, I need a Valentine. "Hipster Friend" or not, I WILL be wearing these shoes in the NEAR future. Someone, date me. Please.
I just want to wear my shoes.
So, I am now seeing my "hipster friend" on a daily basis. I honestly look forward to it, he makes my day so much better...although, I know only a few things about him...
It's more like me actually having a crush, and actively talking (which rhymes with stalking,) to him on a daily basis which makes me happy. It's just refreshing. I haven't had anyone like this since Cecil, but he's out of my life completely and I don't want to go down that road again.
Anywho, a few days ago, I wasn't able to talk to my "hipster friend" before 4th hour--I was gravely disappointed. We speak everyday before my 4th hour. And as I made the lonely journey from my school's gym building to the main Canton building the feeling of disappointment grew even stronger. I placed my bookbag on the ground, plopped myself into my chair, and pouted. Yes, like a four year old girl, I pout when I don't get my way. I hadn't even noticed Constadina until she poked and said, "What's wrong?"
...and like a faucet, my emotions came pouring out of mouth...
"I'm just really upset because I didn't get to see "hipster friend" today, and I have the biggest wittle crush on him and I really just wanted to see him and ask him if he wanted to grab coffee, ugh. I had it all planned out! I'm so upset" and after I whined for a bit, I felt so much better.
Constadina, Amani, and I ate lunch at Salem that day. I had forgotten that my math teacher was not able to help me with my homework so instead of going to math lab we just ate in Salem's cafeteria. And who do I see? My hipster friend! But my excitement didn't last long...I recognized his friend. And because I did could not bring myself to say the words, I prompted Constadina, "Hey, do you know him?" I asked, she nodded and replied, "Yeah. That's Dan, from our 4th hour."
That awkward moment when you announce your attraction to someone and you later realize that their bestfriend was sitting next to you.
I've been looking forward to going to school so I can nonchalantly run into my hipster friend again.
...but it didn't happen. I had went the entire week without seeing him a school, or hearing from him, or talking to him, so I was ready to accept the bitter end of my lingering crush. Until Friday.
Friday, the day I decide to bum it to school. Friday, the day when I'm back to my loud obnoxious self and I'm too tired to pretend to be intelligent. Friday, the 13th. How delightful. I saw my crush three times.
Me and my girlfriend Lulu usually leave our choir class early, because it's choir and no one really cares. But on Friday the 13th we realized that we left a whole 10 minutes early and as we walk into Phase three (our school's gym building) the bell still has not rang. And who do I see there? Leaning on the wall, iPhone in hand, looking as cute as a button? My perfect wittle hipster crush. And as we walk into the girls' lockroom I whisper to Lulu, "that's him!" and of course, we instantly turn around run out the locker room screaming and giggling as teenage girls do, to see him, standing there....staring right back at us.
...and what do I do? I make the entire situation worse by literally...LITERALLY running in the opposite direction.
The second encounter was even worse. At my school we have 3 lunches. And 3 schools at which you can eat. Which mean there is a total of 15 or so combinations, yet on Friday the 13th we manage to have the same lunch, eat at the same school, and sit three lunch tables apart. Is it also coincidental that we could see eachother the entire lunch period? And made MANY awkward glances towards each other? I hate my life.
Third times the charm. My ballsy friend Amani convinced me to walk into my wittle crush's class room. "Com'on Nneka" he dragged me, and literally pushed me into the choir room. And as I walked in, all timid and awkward like the true immature teenage girl that I am. It happened. I saw him, and he saw me. Yet this time I did not run. And he did not look away. We talked, and had an actual conversation. I'm in love with my wittle crush.
So a few days ago I was at my friend's party. It was cool. I enjoyed myself. Then this boy started flirting with me, like hardcore. But I got the gay vibe so I just wrote it off as a gay man just being fond of me. Until I goto leave and I'm giving everyone hugs good-bye and he holds me close,
I could see through his glasses. Meaning that I couldn't see his eyes because his glasses magnified them.
And we kissed.
So, I guess he's not gay? Just really hipster?
I'm down for that.
I added him on facebook and nothing. Crickets. He makes no effort to talk to me whatsoever </3
And now I'm freaking out because I think I've given him the "serve throat infection", but what can I do? That's a conversation you have to have in person. I just have to wait til I see him again.