Control,

On May 19, 2012 my close friend attempted to rape me.

It's hard to describe how you feel when someone tries to take something from you--that is a part of you. It's even harder to describe how you feel when you realize you're powerless to stop him. I felt like I could no longer protect myself, and thus the body I had was no longer mine.

But eventually, after trying to repair the friendship, I realized that if I continued to pretend that nothing had happen I would not only be sending him the message that "it's ok" I would also be damaging my self worth. So I ended it. All communication has ceased as I tried to regain my sense of self.

Then Nick came along. And I rushed into having sex with him because I wanted to be the one in control of my body. I wanted to initiate and control every part of our sexual relationship. And for a while I felt better.

And when he ended things with me, I still was able to maintain composer.

Until Monday. That text. The sad attempt to "pass a hoe"....completely crushed me.

And now I feel the same way I did on May 19, 2012.

It's hard to regain control after it has been taken.

Veganism? Ballsy?

I'm trying to go on my vegan diet but it's kind of hard when you have no idea what vegans can and cannot eat. I am buying soy milk today, but I have no idea how I'm going to give up yogurt! I love it so much! Well, we'll see.

Yesterday, my gay friend, Amani, asked out a straight guy (with a girlfriend!). I really admire his ballsy-ness. Honestly, I wish I could ask out a guy. My mom's pressuring to get a boyfriend too, SO AWKWARD. Too bad I'm still not over the last boy I talked to, who got a girlfriend while I was on vacation. Cool right? Love my life. But Amani is trying to get my to ask out this boy I've been crushing on at school, "We're seniors, you'll never see him again, just do it!" but I see him everyday in 4th hour...Amani doesn't understand how uncomfortable I'll be seeing the boy that rejected me everyday until the semester is over....

Should I do it?