Shut up Stupid,

I disappointed myself.

I cracked. I texted Nick:

I don't understand what "it" is, or where this is coming from. But I left my lighter in your car</3

Ok, let's ignore my slight stank of desperation for a second, and let's focus our attention on the idiotic actions of Nicholas William Mackie. Because the next day, when I thought it was impossible for me to hate harder, Nick made it incredibly easy.

Unknown Number 12:00p
Hey whats good...my dude Nick from work gave me ur number n felt that u n I should kick it sometime...my name is fred btw

Me 12:05p
Nick Mackie?

"Fred" 12:07p
Yup

Are you serious? Am I a prostitute because clearly I failed to get the memo. Can you imagine the conversation between the two of them while they were on their lunch break? 


"Man, I need some pussy" -Fred
"Oh, I just dumped this whore! Here's her number--she's so easy." -Nick


What the hell is Nick thinking? "Let's run a train on this stank"? What did I do to make him view me so poorly? I've never hated this hard. 


And the saddest piece to this puzzling series of events? I had hope. I convinced myself that my feelings were completely mutual. That in a day or two Nick would call me, or text me just to say he missed me. And not that things would return to the way they used to be--just that we would remain in each others lives. 
...Wait? Is this what he's trying to do? If I give Fred a chance obviously Nick would be at an event every once in a while Sorry that was my stupid talking.

The break up text,

Nick M. Sun 10:59pm
Hey   so its over...sorry it didnt work out but im done kicking it with u

In the past three months I've been sexually assaulted by a boy I considered my bestfriend, came in second place to an ex-girlfriend, abandoned by my long term "friend" (a relationship in which there was so much sexual tension all we did was talk about fucking each other), and now. Now. NOW I get dumped.

When is it going to end?

Amani believes I need to express my emotions. But honestly...what is there to express? I'm emotionally exhausted. I made room for Nick in my life, re-scheduling my trip to New York in order to attend an event he wanted to go to, but it means nothing now. Everything is over. And now I'm staring at my crackberry wondering how the hell do I respond to this? Hurt him? No. That's not what I want to do.

I don't know what I want to do.

Papa Weatherly's advice?

If he thinks she doesn't give a shit it will bother him more than anything because he obviously gave a shit about her.

So should I go back to my old ways? Be the cool girl with no emotions? Sounds good to me. What should I text my "ex-not boyfriend"? I was thinking something along the lines of:

I'm 17 :) Statutory rape, have fun in jail! Hope you have lots of butt sex! xoxo

While that brings a smile across my face I need to actually learn from the advice of Papa W. I'm not looking to get back together with Nick. I'm leaving anyway so making this relationship work is pointless.

How about...

Thanks for the memories baby!

Snobbish? Perhaps, plus I left my lighter in his car so maybe....

Ok, honey! I left my magic lighter in you car so if you can give it to Aubrey that'd be great<3

Good? Good.
The perfect response to the break up text.

My sincere apologies,

I haven't been blogging lately,

Sorry.

Joined my high school's newspaper--very writing intensive.

But, contrary to what you believe my life still continued as normal. Well, not normal. I believe I just entered into my first relationship. It's not official, because I told him I did not want to get too emotionally attached to anyone before I leave for New York...but...it happened anyway.

I like him anyway.

I wish I could artfully describe the accumulation of these feelings--but I can't.

I didn't even like him at first. He chased me, stalked me, won my wittle heart with every smile. Aww, I can safely say, I like him. But I know this is going to ruin me August 31st. When I have to leave my past behind to embrace my future.

Oh well, enjoying every moment I have left.

xoxo

Please get out of my life, all of you.

Happy fucking Valentine's Day everyone.

My life is one big sitcom I swear.

So, we are all aware that I am well over Isaac (hipster friend). But the 13th we had an unavoidable encounter which left me hopeful, yet confused. Being my irresponsible self, I had no gas whatsoever in my car and I knew I wouldn't make it if I waited in the horrific after school traffic. I forced Corey to wait with me after school, we engaged in a conversation about Sarah, a  girl that he thinks is insanely attractive. Being the amazing friend that I am, I sit there and listen, even though we all know the last thing a girl wants to hear is how attractive another girl is, but I swallowed my pride and listened. 

Isaac joins us in the midst of this conversation, he adds that he finds interracial relationships beautiful. This didn't sit well with me, I wasn't sure if he was trying to indirectly comment on our situation or if he was merely stating his opinion. But either way, I ran with it. I let it get to my head. I laughed because I knew I was no longer interested in pursuing anything with him, but at the same time if he tried I wouldn't know the word "no". However, the feelings I had went down hill when Sarah entered the conversation. Within an instant the blinding spotlight had shifted from me, to her and felt myself being consumed by the darkness. It was as if I was no longer there while I silently observed the boys' infatuation with Sarah.  

Later that night, Corey told Sarah he couldn't get involved with her because she's too young...and it's illegal. Sarah proceeded to ball her eyes out, and as I comforted her she whispered in my ear, "I'm faking, don't tell!"  I didn't know how to react to this, but in the end I dismissed it. I was trying my darnest to stay away from drama, but the next day at school Sarah runs to me and exclaims, "Nneka! I just got a personal Valentine's Day flower!" Isaac had bought her a flower, and personally wished her a Happy Valentine's day. 

This is the same Isaac that told Corey not to go for her because she was too young.

...is this real life? 

Oh, I forgot to mention that Kyle came to my school on Valentine's Day. I lost it. I was two seconds away from throwing my flowers in his face. Does he not understand that I never want to see him again? Does Isaac not understand that I never want to see him again?

Please. I'm begging you, get out and stay out. 

You shouldn't of done it.

...it's 1:55a on Saturday morning. I'm sleeping. My phone vibrates, and I mindlessly press buttons until the annoyance stops interrupting my slumber...

Saturday night at work, terrible. The only thing that kept me smiling was the anticipation of Kelsey Hill's party. As the restaurant begins to clear out my boss sings sweet music to my ears, "You can go home now," I changed so fast. I was so excited to party, only to be let down. Kelsey cancelled her party. My back-up party, also cancelled. And Mike's house simply wasn't an option--not trying to run into Kyle! I ended up at McDonald's eating cookies with Alexis Weatherly, and Corey Watkins. 

As my bag of cookies come to an end I hand Corey a $5 bill and ask him to buy me some more, he agrees and asks, "Can I get an ice-cream?" to which I reply, "yeah, bro." Corey comes with a tray filled with food and my $5 in his hand. And I go, "bro, can I have my $5 back?" and he goes into a rampage telling me that it was actually his money, and that he had given it to me before we walked into McDonald's. I was in shock. He looked to Alexis to support his outrageous claim, she looked at him, snatched the money out of his hand and exclaims, "That's her money you asshole" I couldn't believe that Corey would do that to me. The next day I'm determined to confront him about it. 

As I begin to compose the text message, I see two very strange text:

Corey Watkins 1:55 a

I LOVE U SO MU6CH!D

Corey Watkins 2:15 a

You make the skies blue and the world shine bright colors of love

All I have to say is: drunken words are sober thoughts

Picking up the pieces of my naive teenage heart,

Now that I have come to my senses and I am moving forward in life, (no longer chasing love, but waiting patiently for it to come) there are issues I need to address.

So my little hipster friend was not only talking to me, but to one of my dear friends, Alex, also. I need to tell her about the night we kissed just to relieve my conscious. I do not want to come across as trying to steer her away, so I will tell her it was nothing and that the two of us rarely speak now. Oh gosh, Alex was ranting and raving about how excited she was to hangout with an anonymous male and I pray to God it is not my hipster friend--not because I have feelings for him, but rather because I do not want to ruin what ever they have. I am being completely unselfish here.
...
My unselfish ways get me nowhere.
...
Why do I continue to do this to myself? I feel as if I continually give, but never receive. Kaiti thinks I should pursue my hipster friend. But in the end I can only extend myself so far. I can only give so many opportunities. If he does not take them then I must assume he is not interested. I cannot force someone to like me. So here I am, letting go of my hipster friend. Letting go of social networks. I am restricting the opportunities. From now of if anyone wants to contact me they have pick up their phone and make a conscious effort. I refuse to be that girl you facebook chat out of boredom. To my hipster friend, you took my presence for granted.

Goodbye my hopeless dream,

Today I had an epiphany.

Love Cannot Be Chased.

I have spent the past several weeks obsessing over a guy. My teenage immaturity has taken over and chipped away at my sense of reason. At my dignity. My actions over the past several weeks have done nothing but scream desperation. I have been making a complete fool out of myself. And so naturally, I hate him. But I'm realizing it's not him that I hate, it's the entity he represents. It's my weakness. I hate the fact that in a split second my entire being revolves around a guy who paid an ounce of attention. Whether it be a kiss, hug, or wink I take it and run with it. I am not a realist. My imgination goes wild, and I envision myself in a committed relationship with a complete stranger. And for so reason or another, despite my head, my heart chases it.

And that leads me here. The brief moment in time where my underdeveloped prefrontal cortex activates and gets grip on my current situation. When you look yourself in the mirror and go, "What am I doing?" and you become utterly repulsed by your own behavior.

I was willing to, "Beat that bitch's ass" over a guy. A "bitch" whom I've been friends with for four consecutive years. Who have I become? Since when do I even engage in the usage of such ratchet terminology?

I'm so happy I've come to my senses.